<Apologies for the delay in getting this post out, to say ‘life happened’ is an understatement, I will share the details in a future post but in short, I started writing this post as a pregnant mum of one and am finishing it as a woman who became a mum of two eight weeks earlier than I expected!>

Like everything else in this world, when it comes to pregnancy the media have a lot to answer for! An expectant mum on tv will have smooth skin, a healthy glow, a perfectly round bump but no sign of weight gain anywhere else and she will still walk like a normal human being. Reality though is a million miles away from this and with all those happy smiley fakes out there, mums to be will feel like the world is conspiring against them in some cruel joke.

I have found my second pregnancy much more taxing than my first both physically and emotionally. The result: me standing naked in front of the mirror at 4 months pregnant sobbing ‘I don’t look pregnant I just look fat!’ So today I’m going to share my experience of the dark truth about your pregnant body! Remember those ‘no other pregnant woman looks/feels like this, I must be a monster’ feelings aren’t just you and you aren’t alone! 

1. Morning Sickness

Ah morning sickness, the greatest misnomers known to woman kind, it should be known as whenever it bloody feels like it sickness, there is no magic moment at noon where you suddenly feel human again! In my first pregnancy morning sickness was a minor annoyance, random nausea, threw up a few times and well and truly gone by 12 weeks. Second pregnancy though, the sickness started before I’d even missed a period and knocked me out for my entire first trimester! So, if you are throwing up for the 5th time that morning and are crying because pregnancy is making you miserable- this is normal! Don’t let anyone make u believe otherwise! *

2. Hair and Nails.

When you read about it on paper the effects pregnancy has on your hair and nails sounds like they should be AMAZING! An increase in Oestrogen and other such lovely hormones make your hairs ‘growth cycle’ longer and then stops it falling out as fast when it’s done growing. At the same time your nails are growing faster and stronger, in theory every pregnant woman out there should be jumping for joy before heading to the salon for a restyle and a mani/pedi… now here’s the reality!

Hair

Your hair is growing thicker and faster; on your head this means more insulation to stop heat escaping from your over heated sweaty pregnant self and as such said hair looks more greasy than glossy and it’s mostly just annoying the hell out of you! As a mumma in her second summer pregnancy I highly recommend <these> cooling towels they are great for cooling off, can be used around the neck, on pulse points, to generally cool down the skin or my personal favourite wrapped round your head like a scarf!**

Unfortunately, it’s not just hair on your head that’s growing thicker and faster it’s hair everywhere! For anyone thinking “well shaving more often isn’t that bad” remember that once you enter the second trimester you can no longer reach 90% of what you want to shave!! Standing on one leg at six months pregnant with an ankle on the sink holding a mirror at your lady parts NOT A GOOD LOOK! Yet somehow easier than trusting your spouse with the razor to do it for you. Then to top it all off hair starts sprouting where there was no hair before! The day I found one random thick black hair sprouting out of my nipple I flew into a full-on pregnancy rage ranting about turning into a gorilla and promising death to my husband who found the whole situation hilarious!

Nails

I’ll be honest and say that the nails are the lesser evil in the hair and nails chaos, fingernails that grow faster can be trimmed and cleaned with ease although if you like painted nails or extensions, you will be racing to keep up with them as they grow out! Toenails are more complex because again you can’t reach the god damn things – personally I ignore them for as long as I physically can before attempting long distance yogic style nail cutting! This probably isn’t the safest method of nail trimming and you may be better off asking someone else to do it or getting a pedicure!

3. ‘Being pregnant’ and ‘your hormones’ are suddenly a reason for people to be dicks!

We all know that pregnancy throws a lot at your body and your mind (I wouldn’t be writing this post if it didn’t) but other humans seem to take that as an excuse to generally disregard anything you are thinking or feeling as ‘hormones’ and then say or do something downright rude. I’m not talking about when your spouse accidentally eats the last strawberry yogurt from the fridge and you proceed to scream at them for an hour whilst sobbing uncontrollably – that is definitely hormones and in your next non crazy moment you will cringe in embarrassment at threatening divorce over a 50p yogurt. What I’m talking about is when you have a genuine physical or emotional issue, either with yourself or with someone else and it’s brushed aside as a ‘pregnancy thing’ you shouldn’t moan about, here are a few examples I’ve had in this pregnancy alone:

a. ‘You asked for this’ – Oh my God this one gets me every time, at various points in my pregnancy I have (as every pregnant mama has the right to do) complained about said pregnancy, for example: “I’m through with listening to what my body tells me it wants to eat and then proceeds to throw the lot back up again” and then to receive the response (from a woman who has had kids) “well you asked for this and now you have it, be grateful.” GOOD GOD KAREN! I said I was fed up not that I didn’t want my child wind your neck in!

b. “Because you’re pregnant” and “I’m just ignoring you” These two generally go hand in hand and are so condescending it is unbelievable. Usually, the precursor is something the other person has done which has irked you in some way, when you then bring this up with the other person (I’m talking grown up adult conversation, no shouting, swearing, finger pointing etc) they become super defensive, deflect the fact they did something wrong, or even worse ask what someone else thinks about the situation which is completely irrelevant. When you don’t back down on your position, they then turn the whole situation back on you, “Oh you’re only saying this because you’re pregnant, I’m just going to ignore you” as if pregnancy is some sort of disease that makes you a lesser human! My darlings if someone uses this as some sort of excuse inform them that their behaviour is totally unacceptable, your unborn child is not a weapon to be used in an argument and walk away, if you are upset by someone’s actions you deserve to discuss them openly not be fobbed off with it being turned around on you!

4.  Why is everyone suddenly touching me!?

I am an incredibly tactile person, but this still drives me insane, I don’t know how the touch-phobic amongst us ever survive pregnancy. Even the most naïve mum to be knows to expect to be poked, prodded and generally aggravated by medical professionals that’s part of the package but it doesn’t stop there. Suddenly complete strangers are rubbing your stomach and handing out advice (see everyone has an opinion below) and this is a new level of creepy! I have no issue with people I love stroking my ever-expanding bump, although my husband has on more than one occasion had his hands slapped away because (a) ouch that hurts (b) great now I need to pee (c) F*** off I’m trying to sleep. Weirdly my loved ones generally ask, or at least prewarn me that they are about to grab my belly and I’m unphased if they don’t get permission. Whereas strangers and vague acquaintances will take once look at me, forget everything they have ever learnt about personal space or social distancing and start prodding enthusiastically at my unborn child and making me cringe as they make stupid statements like ‘ooh its solid isn’t it’ or ‘wow it’s really high up’ whilst the back of their hand brushes uncomfortably against my under-boob or even worse way to close to the waist band of my pants. I have tried so hard to tell people to kindly get their hands off me, but I am too polite and British to actually do this so instead I inwardly cringe and scurry off as fast as I can. Mama’s out there please don’t follow my lead on this one, start the revolution and tell the weird bump molesters out there to get their hands off of you when it makes you uncomfortable.

5. Everyone has an opinion.

Oh the advice and opinions you receive! In 99% of cases you haven’t asked for it and aren’t listening to it, but it’s considered bad practice to yell ‘shut up I don’t care’ at your work colleagues and old people that stop you in the supermarket (again this may be one of those overly polite and British things) Here’s a few examples

a. (I shared this one on Facebook so you may have read it before) Standing in a lift at work minding my own business about 20 weeks pregnant, feeling incredibly uncomfortable rocking my hips trying to encourage my child to remove whichever pointy part of them is currently digging into me, a nurse who I have seen in passing turns to me and says “you shouldn’t do that the baby will get used to being rocked to sleep!” for a second I was stunned in front of me stood an intelligent woman, a woman who has a degree in nursing, who believes that an unborn child can be preconditioned to sleep behaviours before they are born! If that was the case all women would have to stop walking/ exercising/ working/ moving in general the day they got a positive pregnancy test. Thankfully I didn’t have to respond to this one the lift arrived on my floor, so I nodded politely and scurried away.   

b. “Sleep when the baby sleeps” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry took me a minute to regain my composure from laughing so hard there. If only it were that simple then I’d also be showering when the baby showers, cleaning when the baby cleans and cooking when the baby cooks!

c. “I don’t know why women moan about childbirth, if they jump up and down the baby will just fall out” This cracker came from a straight 19-year-old male who had never had a girlfriend – the fact he thought the female reproductive system is just a giant saltshaker may explain why the girls were steering clear tbh!“Don’t waddle it’s bad for your hips” – My hip bones are spreading apart and there is a small human chilling out in between them – the only way I’m not waddling is if you shut up and carry me!

6. The C word (I mean Cankles get your mind out of the gutter)

For anyone who has never heard this expression before Cankles is the portmanteau of the words calves and ankles and pretty much means that the two have become one and not in a Spice Girls kind of way, but instead because your body is carrying so much extra fluid it literally has no where to go so it pools where ever it can find a space, resulting in swollen ankles, swollen knees, puffy hands and pretty much any other body you can think of, then just when you think it couldn’t get any worse the sun comes and all your swollen bits and pieces expand even further leaving your skin feeling like it has been stretched across a tennis court! Fluid retention sucks and if your significant other (or anyone for that matter) ever uses the word Cankles in your presence during pregnancy you are permitted to throw things at them! There are a few things that can be done to help reduce water retention including drinking more water (yes I know that means you’ll be peeing even more but it’s worth it), both resting and exercising the swollen area – I know this makes no sense but hear me out if you have been on your feet all day that fluid will have worked its way into your legs, give them a break, lay down with your ankles above your heart (laying on the floor with your legs up the wall is brilliant for this) and allow gravity to drain the stagnant fluid from your legs. On the flip side if you have sat around all day doing nothing your body will have seized up and fluid will be lurking everywhere, gentle stretching or a light walk will loosen up all those tense joints and help send the fluid on its way. Finally hot and cold packs can help – again here me out on this one as it is situational – on a hot day soaking your feel in a bowl of cool water will feel great and reduce swelling, were as if the lymph glands around your groin have decided to expand, you’re much better off with a wheat bag wrapped in a towel to settle the discomfort. ***

7. Lightening Crotch.

Yes, guys that is a thing! If you have never heard of it, it can be downright terrifying the first time it happens– as the name suggests it feels like lightening shooting through your lady parts, it’s caused by your expanding uterus putting pressure on nearby nerves resulting in shooting pains that fires through your bits and has you doubling over in pain and those around you freaking out because they think you’ve suddenly gone into labour – watching their reactions would be quite funny if it didn’t hurt so damn much! It can also cause random pins and needles – I get one odd patch on the outside of my left thigh, that’s less painful and more annoying. In severe cases it can develop into PGP (pelvic girdle pain) which can cause major movement issues and speaking to a doctor or midwife is essential. I have a friend who swore by her <PGP support belt> (although it can be a bit sweaty) whilst I have found that using <KT tape> to be a life saver in supporting my bump when I need a bit of extra support.  

8. Stretch marks

As a girl who at 16 years old was a size eight and since then has gone up to a size 18, yoyoed between a size 10 and 18 many times and gone through two (well actually 1.75 so far) pregnancies I was no stranger to stretch marks long before becoming a mother, but for someone who until pregnancy has had a steady body size they can be a massive shock, these crepe paper crinkles that can vary from white and almost invisible to a really angry looking red will take up residence over your tummy, boobs, hips, bum and anywhere else they feel like pretty much, you may reach the end of your pregnancy thinking wow I’ve somehow avoided stretch marks only to give birth and the next day realise your jelly belly is as stripey as a candy cane. I know from experience that this simple thinning of the skin can leave you feeling so body conscious you don’t want anyone, your spouse included to see you, hiding behind baggy t-shirts and one-piece swimsuits. I think my big realisation of how much my body image had changed came when Baby D was about 9 months old and we were taking him on his first foreign holiday I had been out and brought 2 new bikinis, sensible high waisted bikinis with sturdy cups and proper underwiring (the underwiring was not my smartest move as I was still breast feeding but we live and learn!) When I showed Hubby them, he described them as very ‘Mum’ bikinis – initially I was a little disheartened at the description but I later realised what he meant, after I dejectedly muttered ‘well I am a mum’ and his response was ‘exactly, that’s not a criticism’ what he meant was that I was accepting my body as it was and embracing that it was different now and yes I still have days where I loathe the extra skin and tiger stripes but that’s who I am now and that person has done an amazing thing – she has grown children. So, it may take time and of course there may be work in the form of diet and exercise post partem to physically or emotionally improve your relationship with your body, but Mumma you are you and every one of those red and white stripes is proof of that – be proud of who you are!

9. Exhaustion

Oh, the exhaustion of pregnancy, again many people aren’t aware of this one until it happens, everyone knows that once the baby is born you will be tired, sleep deprived and grumpy, but until you experience it in pregnancy very few people are aware of its existence. From personal experience the exhaustion is one of the pre missed period signs of pregnancy, as soon as that lil bundle of cells burrows in to set up home, you are done for, by 8pm you are comatose on the sofa wondering when washing dishes became an ultra-marathon! Unfortunately, this became the baseline for the remainder of both my pregnancies (and it only went downhill from there) If you are struggling speak to cope with home, work or anything else call on all every available resource you have, friends and family, colleagues and your bosses, your GP and midwife. I know it can be hard to ask for help, but when you’re growing a human you need to look after yourself, I was lucky enough have a super supportive boss during my second pregnancy, who bent over backwards to help me adapt both my workload, workspace and hours to maximise my comfort until I started maternity leave, if your workplace seem less than willing to support you, check your company maternity policy, the government guidelines on maternity, speak to the Citizens Advice Bureau or to your GP/Midwife, they can support you in knowing your rights and getting the support you need at work. If this is your first pregnancy then nap at every opportunity you get to keep your energy levels up, if you already have a brood at home try to rest as much as you can, get your spouse to do the assorted parenting and adulting whilst you lay down and rest your football sized ankles it may not be perfect but at least you are resting.

So puffy, grumpy, stripey, sweaty and generally p*ssed off mumma’s as ever remember you are not alone in the jungle of baby growing and the mamma’s the media throw at us are as fake as Katie Price’s boobs! So do not feel like your pregnancy is making you a monster, you are growing a baby, you rock!

Love and Light

Namaste

Li

*Morning sickness can range from non-existent to exorcist level vomiting if you feel you are struggling and/or are at risk of dehydration contact your GP immediately, in extreme cases you may require hospital treatment its always better to be safe than sorry!

** Sadly, I don’t get paid for product endorsements I’m just sharing stuff that could be useful – please note I have no medical knowledge, I’m purely sharing personal experience. 

*** A side note about you’re lymph glands, keep an eye on them throughout you’re pregnancy, I only recently found out after my massage therapist pointed out that one of my arm pit glands was really swollen (this can be a sign of an infection) that pregnant and postpartum women often get swelling in the armpits and groin due to the body preparing for lactation, so keep an eye on all your glands and if in doubt speak to a doctor or midwife.

Hello Lovely People,

Apologies for the radio silence since my last post, but Chez Upson has had some big news and chaos has ensued. In October 2022 there will be a new addition to our family 😍

I will be 100% honest when I say that getting to this point had been emotionally stressful. When we started TTC* back in 2015 we were lucky enough to conceive D in just three months. Whilst this time round it took over a year, each month I was heart broken convinced we would never have another child, this on its own brought its own stresses as every time I felt that heart break, I also felt guilt, guilt because that disappointment made me feel like I didn’t appreciate the wonderful gift that is my son. To anyone else going through a similar situation, I promise this feeling is normal and it does not make you a bad parent, you are allowed to appreciate the child you have whilst wanting to have another!

Eventually after 15 long months I sat at my desk at work two days before my period was due, feeling exhausted, nauseous, gagging at every smell that the ward had to throw at me (thrust me there were a lot) and generally feeling ‘not normal’. I had promised myself several months before never to test before my period was due, it was too painful when it came back negative, but this time I knew I needed to because if it came back negative I needed to speak to a doctor, because I definitely had some sort of virus.

Low and behold the test was positive! I was pregnant! 😍

I am now 14 weeks along and can officially say this pregnancy is nothing like my first. With D I had mild morning sickness – which was nothing more than a minor annoyance that I worked and adulted my way through. This time though OH MY GOD! I was signed off by the doctor at 6 weeks along with morning sickness that literally left me unable to function, 8 weeks later I am still signed off – I have anti sickness tablets but they make me fall asleep and I am playing a game of dosages trying to balance out how to stay both awake and not vomiting! I am so bored of day time TV and cant wait to go back to work and start really enjoying the rest of my pregnancy!

Despite this we are ecstatic to be completing our family and cannot wait to share our baby number 2 adventure with each other and our loved ones.

Check back soon for updates

until next time ❤️

Namaste 🙏 my loves

Li x

*TTC – In M2B (Mum to be) and baby forum language TTC stands for Trying to Conceive.

Hello again My Friends,

Welcome back to my rambling world, today I bring you a post inspired by a post I read on Pinterest a while ago, I was another mum blogger and usually I would never put down another parents blog even if I didn’t agree with their opinion, each to their own and all. BUT this individuals opinion just set me teeth on edge. The overall theme of the piece was that Mum’s who highlight the fact that they are a “boy mum” are only doing so because they are wanted to have a daughter and so therefore were over compensating for the fact they didn’t have one by making a ‘big deal’ about having a son(s). So with this annoyance in mind and the inability to compare what being a ‘boy mum’ was like compared to being a ‘girl mum’ (in the process of this I also realised that I am the definite minority in my friendship group the 8 other mums I spoke to all had two+ small people). As you can imagine my “research group” was quite small and limited to friends who had small people a similar age to D who wouldn’t think it was strange if I asked them about weird stuff their kids did that may or may not differ dependant on their gender. I have shared some of these thoughts below.

The Mental Connection

This is the big one for me, as a cis woman I have never been a 5 year old boy, I honestly do not get Minecraft, Ninjago or any of the other assorted things the majority of the boy population like (I will come on to gender expectations in a minute). I also don’t understand how the male thought process works, or how they react emotionally to things. Whilst I know that we cannot read minds I have an inkling that I would have a slightly higher chance of knowing what a girl was thinking or feeling (girl mums’ please let me know if I’m wrong on that one!) So not just between genders but child to child – it’s just different.

Social Expectations

Oh the dated views of what a child should be interested in and how they should behave based on their randomly allocated genetic make-up. I am very much of the opinion that my son has the right to choose his own likes, dislikes and interests based on what he enjoys not on what other people think he should like. Sadly many other people are very closed minded, I know that these expectations are there for girls as well, the expectation to be fluffy, sweet and submissive, but the feminist movement has helped kick some prejudice’s aside (some not all) sadly this step for equality does not seem to be a two way street whilst women are now ‘allowed’ to be mechanics and play football, but if a five year old boy wants to play with a pushchair or wear pink then you are ‘making him gay’… erm no actually Karen, I think you’ll find that growing up and deciding to have a committed relationship with another man would make my son gay and it will have nothing to do with the £3.50 pink George at Asda t-shirt he is currently wearing! Here are a few of the other classic sexist comments I have heard about things boys shouldn’t do:

• Stop crying you’re not a girl!
• You shouldn’t have long hair you’ll look like a girl!
• *insert name of toy here* is for girls!

I am yet to work out what is so wrong with being like a girl if I’m honest! Recently at an appointment at the hospital I had the biggest smile on my face as D happily left a nurse in shock by not being ‘boyish’ enough. After having his weight and height checked he was told he could choose two stickers, this nurse offered him, Toy Story, Ninjago, dinosaurs, Cars and all the other ‘boy’ options. D happily ignored all of these and made a Bee line for two ‘girly’ unicorn stickers. My only issue with these stickers – just like every other sticker D has ever had was the same – at some point I will find it stuck to an item of furniture and have to pick it off!

Clothes

So the last two points were the big topics, this on the other hand relates to the ‘stereotypical’ boy behaviours exhibited my mine and my friends small people.

1. Clothes shopping – one of my mum friends pointed out the nightmare of shopping for her two boys, you go into a shop and walk past rack after rack of cute, funny, pretty girls clothes in every colour and style imaginable. Then you reach the boys section, one rack of non-descript t-shirts, hoodies and trousers in a range of dingy colours with maybe one actually nice t-shirt in there. IT SUCKS. Why is it assumed that boys don’t want to wear nice things?
2. Following on from my above statement is the whole pink vs blue argument! up until the early 20th century colour stereotypes were not really a thing, although blue was seen as a more ‘dainty feminine’ colour, they in the 1950s a market retailer realised that they were losing out on sales because parents reused clothes on subsequent children regardless of gender (and we say the older generation didn’t recycle!) and made a mass ‘pink is for girls’ advertising campaign which stuck! So here we now are in 2022 in a society where we are expected to dress our children in a specific colour so strangers know what their genitals look like!
3. Finally on the clothing front, is boys lack of interest in wearing them! I have always been a free spirit who preferred to be au naturel when ever physically possible so when reached about three and a half (when he was tall enough to climb up to the windowsill) and it became a regular if not daily occurrence to find my self yelling “Get your butt out of that window, put some pants on and stop wiggling your willy at the neighbours!” I honestly thought this was self inflicted for being a hippy mumma, but then I was talking to a friend and telling her about my boy and his naked antics and I received an anecdote in return which made me realise I wasn’t alone, it went something like this,

What is it about boys? More than once I have been folding laundry and had a weeks worth of clothes for me and hubby, a months worth of clothes for ‘girl child’ because she changes 4 times a day then for ‘boy child’ all I have is like 3 pairs of pants because he lives in his dressing gown!

my friend Lindsey – names of children badly changed to protect the innocent!

I remember after this nearly dying laughing and thinking ‘thank god its not just me!’

Behaviour

Two caveats before I begin this section. 1) I am not about to begin a boys are naughty girls are nice argument – all small people are capable of reducing a grown woman to tears whilst she hides in the kitchen and inhales chocolate! 2) ‘boy behaviour’ is not limited to boys I can thing of three little girls who’s mums’ say they should of been born boys, never yet met a mum who’s said ‘he should of been born a girl’ about their son so I’m assuming they’re just thanking their lucky stars their boy has some chill about them!

So recently after a high speed scooter related mishap I spent several hours in a and e so D could have his head glued back together, when I recounted this tale to a colleague the next day I was informed it was a ‘right of passage for boy mums’ and she had been there with hers multiple times! This theme seems to carry through my mums who have one of each with it largely boiling down to something resembling, the ability to go and make dinner and know that their daughters are happily chilling out and playing quietly, their sons on the other hand have them on high alert 24/7 because they are constantly into everything, climbing jumping off of things and generally doing anything that can result in them accidentally killing themselves. One friends nicknames her son Bush Boy, because of the amount of times she has to rescue him from trees/bushes after he has climbed one and gotten stuck! I’m not sure if it’s less fear, less common sense or some combination of the two – but boys seem to lack the ‘this mite kill me’ mentality!

And finally…

…The Willy!

No comparison of boys and girls would be complete without a mention of the willy boys are obsessed, they will get it out, wiggle it around, stretch it and will spray wee all over the house with it! As a boy mum, going into a house with a carpeted bathroom (carpeted, just why!) is enough to cause a panic attack!

So there is my comparison of the boy child and the girl child. To that individual who said women who #boymum their pictures are just over compensating for not having a girl, you couldn’t be more wrong I adore my little dude and would not have it any other way, but when I post a photo of a nakey pants boy child (with large appropriately placed emoji covering his bum) stuck in a washing machine, or check in at a and e for the 3rd time that month, I use that hashtag because a – I am proud to be a boy mum and b- being a boy mum! It’s just different!

Until next time

love and light my friends

Namaste

Li

xxx

We have reached that time of year again, imminently our precious offspring believe a fat, beardy bloke in a red onesie is going to break into our Houses leaves toys behind and breaks every rule we have ever told them about not taking gifts from strangers!

I don’t know about anyone else but every toy that enters my home adds to a mountain of assorted chaos, that appears to be impossible to cull and toys seem to sneak in from everywhere!* There is the expected arrivals birthdays and Christmas (where parents and possibly grandparents are the main contributors) and you can mentally prepare yourself for this. Then there is the other stuff, hand me downs, party favours, happy meal toys, ‘prizes’ that they won in some classroom competition that you and every other parent you speak to has zero knowledge of. Unfortunately this single use plastic nightmare does not just curse my door though, it curses the door of every parent out there. So I thought I would share with you the adventure I had back in November doing a pre-Christmas toy purge. (obviously this adventure can be undertaken at any time and I will probably be doing it all over again in the new year weeding out all the things that I missed or have fallen apart since or have been updated by Santa)

So as a Mumma who has long strived for (and is still striving for) a house less like the before pictures on an episode of hoarders and more like something occupied by human beings I have scoured Pinterest for the perfect decluttering and organising plan, so before I began my toy purge I did it all over again and found the same list of posts by overly perky super organised people who promise this will be the last decluttering plan you will ever need, they call it:

• The Kon Mari Method: Only keep things that are useful, beautiful, or bring you joy.
• Swedish Death cleaning: Yes this is actually a thing! But it’s not as morbid as it sounds its aimed at the older generation and focusses on removing things from your life that hold no purpose to you and that your loved ones will eventually have to throw into a skip when they are already grieving, it also encourages giving that heirloom (vase, painting, necklace) etc to your loved one now so you can see them enjoy it if currently in your home its only purpose is to catch dust.
• Reverse Decluttering: This one is extreme in my book, you pack absolutely everything into boxes, seal and label them with the contents, you then only remove things as you need them and after a predetermined amount of time you then get rid of the rest as you don’t need it. I cannot imagine using a decluttering plan that would involve emptying cardboard boxes everywhere when you realise half way through cooking dinner that you need the egg whisk!
• The 4 box method: 4 boxes, keep, bin, recycle, sell/donate, definitely the ‘go to’ method
• The half it method: I like this method it doesn’t have the all or nothing mentality of methods like the Kon Mari, it encourages you not to get rid of everything, for example Daniel has a small forest of books, but rather than this method screaming “get rid of every book he doesn’t read at least once a week” it gently nudges you saying “Just get rid of some of them, will he really be missing out if you get rid of 10% of them or even 50%” so the result is you have less books and that’s a win.
• The one touch method: this is the fast declutter method, you touch it once and done, keep? put it away, bin? straight in the rubbish. It’s fast paced and the theory is the more you touch something the more value your brain adds to it so by only touching it once you aren’t creating false feelings for the item.

So after reading all of these pages looking for Inspiration (that is pretty much the reason I reread them every time it gives me decluttering mojo at the promise of an organised home) I then revert to the Lili mish-mash decluttering method which I will share with you now.

1. Remove child(ren) from proceedings: I am all for encouraging small people to give away and bin unwanted things, but to my 5 years old a full toy purge would be the utter betrayal as he rediscovers all his ‘favourite’ things that I want to get rid of. With older kids I encourage involving them but only to within the boundaries of your patience.
2. Make a coffee and find something mindless to watch on Netflix. for your own sake do not watch anything you need to focus on, you will either miss the whole series and have no idea what’s going on or get distracted and watch an entire episode whilst holding the same snapped in half lightsabre.
3. Gather supplies: Boxes, bin liners, cleaning supplies, pen and paper (this may seem odd, but if you plan to sell anything or put it on facebay for free write a list of these items and do it in one go afterwards, that way you don’t get caught up in mindless scrolling and waste three hours of your day)
4. Get everything together in one place, toys, games, legos, books, everything! This way you will see what you have. Once you have lifted your jaw off the floor in shock move on to step 5.
5. Get rid of the ‘big wins’ straight away – things that you 100% know are going, before I even started I knew the Hotwheels track was going, D loved his cars and play matt – The Hotwheels repeatedly got thrown around the room and bits broke off it for me to stand on. for me everything that was going went straight into the back of my car – that way things could not find their way out of the boxes and back onto the house.
6. Split the remaining toy mountain into ‘like groups’ so all the legos, all the books, all the jigsaws.
7. Go through each pile, work fast, bin the crap, box up the sell/donate stuff put the keep stuff into a laundry basket or similar for safe keeping. if you aren’t sure on something have a temporary maybe pile. Once you have gone through the rest of the pile go back to the maybe pile and make a slightly more informed decision, depending how much else you’ve kept.
8. Once you have gone through all your piles it is time to rehome everything, one thing it took me a while to realise (because I’m special like that) is that you don’t have to put it back in the same place! First put away the ‘big stuff’ think toy kitchen, box of trains, dolls house or anything else that will take up large amounts of prime floor/ shelf real estate. Once that is in place move on to everything else, I love bins and baskets for corralling small toys, craft supplies and anything that is non stackable. There is a size that even boxed toys look like a cluttered mess when stacked up and the whole stack tumbles over like Jenga every time your child tries to get one thing off the shelf.
9. With the toys away it is time to remove all evidence of your purge, rubbish in the bin, immediately post anything you are trying to sell online and give it a time limit if it hasn’t sold in that time frame either donate it or bin it. get anything you are donating out of the house immediately, I moved everything to the boot of my car and my lovely mum then took the stuff from my car to transport it to the charity shop for me.
10. Celebrate your decluttering victory!

So there is my step by step toy purging plan, it’s not perfect but it works. I will also add that if you are worried about your child stepping back into your house sensing that you have binned the broken lightsabre and 12 piece jigsaw with 5 missing pieces – don’t be. When D came home there was no crying, no melt down, no how can you do this to me! He didn’t even notice and I can say with 99% certainty that your small people wont either!

Stay safe my loves! ❤️

Namaste 🙏

Li ❤️

*I want to make it very clear that I am in no way ungrateful to the lovely friends and family that give Daniel gifts, I am incredibly thankful that he has wonderful people who love him so much, but my house is not big enough for the amount of ‘stuff’ my child owns!

… oh wait that’s right it was mine!

Yep it’s that time of year again folks, the time of year when well meaning parents who a few years ago decided the idea of a mischievous elf who causes havoc whilst you slept and reported back to Santa if you were still on the nice list, contained just enough Christmas magic and blackmail to make it worth while…

In reality what those parents did was was give themselves an annual 24 day stress headache, accompanied by a few bouts of waking at 3am in a panic thinking f*** I forgot to move the elf!

I joined this wonderful club when D was just 16 months old, he had been gifted a cuddly elf called Dazzle the previous year and my inner ‘fun mum’ had decided it was just too magical not to join the elf adventure club (despite the fact my child was in no way old enough to know what an elf was let alone why it was in our house), but I made that mistake and as you’re reading this I’m guessing you probably did too! So here I am sharing a few of my favourite elf antics from previous years along with my 24 day elf antic crib sheets for 2021. Enjoy!

• Their elf friend arrives bringing advent calendar and a note reminding them to be good! (If you have a ‘Santa cam’ pop it up now and blame the elf)
• Elf had a sweetie binge – sat in a celebrations tub surrounded by wrappers and discarded chocolate crumbs
• Can you find the candy canes? Hide a box of candy canes around the room and then drink your coffee in peace in the kitchen whilst they search. Bonus idea if you have multiple small people give them each a different coloured cane and tell them it’s a race to who can find all of their Colour the fastest, competitive kids don’t look as thoroughly so they will b busy for longer 😜
• Let’s put up a Christmas tree! – you’re going to have to do it anyway so grab the boxes out of the loft the night before and cash in on an effort free elf idea!
• Marshmallow igloo! – if you can’t build one freestyle (it’s harder than it looks) use writing icing to stick marshmallows to an upside down cereal bowl if it still won’t work then change igloo into 2d snowman!

• Train track round the Christmas tree – if your small person/people love trains (or car tracks) make a train track loop around the bottom of the tree with a little station of people waiting for a Christmas ride 🚂
• snow ball fight- all you need is 1 elf, one teddy/doll friend, two Lego walls to hide behind and a tonne of small paper balls or cotton balls job done!
• fallen in the fish tank (again) – our elf is not the brightest of creatures, so annually he will do something (or several somethings) that aren’t particularly bright. Falling in the fish tank is one of those things – in case you’re thinking how the F do you get it dry – the answer is you don’t – you just wedge your unsuspecting elf between the glass and the wall behind the tank.
• cleaning his butt with a toothbrush – yes, I know, gross but kids love gross stuff and I have a 5 year old son (and a 38 year old husband) who think calling a tooth brush a bum brush is comedy gold!
• finding treasure down the back of the sofa cushions – I don’t know about you, but the back of my sofa is full of toys, food debris, small change and giant dust bunnies, I have witnessed my child find and consume a (thankfully sealed) sweet from down the back of the sofa. So give them a giggle wedge that elf between the cushions and scatter there discovered treasures around them.

• head down in the cat biscuits bag, “worst cookies ever” – just hope the cat doesn’t take offense and dispose of the elf!
• cooking Haribo eggs in a frying pan – quick easy and you will be forced to consume the rest of that bag of Starmix to hide the evidence!
• tangled in wrapping paper, ‘This did not go as planned’ lay out a few nicely wrapped presents followed by one tangled catastrophe of elf!
• Lego ginger bread house – when I spend a Tuesday night building a Lego house when I should be in bed I will curse myself for even thinking of doing this – but I shall try!
• swinging from the ceiling in a pair of pants – Much like Bum’s my darling 5 year old finds pants hilarious! So an elf wearing his pants – total hilarity (this also works with bras which kids also find hilarious!)

• sleeps ’til Santa – use pen and paper, fridge magnets, Legos, or any other toys you have lurking around to spell out how many sleeps there are left until Santa comes.
• snow angel – flour, cake sprinkles, smarties etc anything that can be scooted aside to make an angel outline for your elf to lay in, quick, easy, but inevitably a bit messy!
• stuck in the blinds (again) – As I previously stated this elf is an idiot, it annually gets stuck in the blinds whilst trying to magic its way in and out of the house.
• Riding the child’s bike/scooter – ultimate laziness plonk elf on chosen ride on toy! I love lazy elf antics!
• TP the Christmas tree – the original version my 2020 Covid secure Christmas tree. Toilet roll is also hilarious when thrown around the house apparently.

• Roasting marshmallows – cocktail sticks, marshmallows, a giant candle and an elf happily toasting them to snack on.
• Elf covered in stickers – this house is full of sticker sheets and D is often covered in them himself so an elf covered in stickers is relatable, funny and easy!
• Playing board games – Choose a game set up elf and his friends and lay the game out. Dazzle has played everything from Scrabble to Texas hold ’em poker, gambling chocolate coins with Donald duck!
• Christmas eve box – Again Daniel always gets an Xmas eve box, so the elf can bring it with our Xmas eve book, DVD, PJ’s, snacks and Santa’s magic key. Two birds, one stone.

And for when they’ve been little S****

• Elf on strike – Elf holds a placard – no more magic until behaviour improves!
• naughty and nice list with how to get back on the good list – Two list’s naughty and nice, all their friends and siblings on the nice list (unless of course they were beating the snot out of each other yesterday and then they go on the naughty list too) plus a check list of how to get back on the good list! 1. Apologise, 2. Use kind voices, 3. listen to others etc etc etc.
• last chance letter from Santa – A formal typed letter from Santa, sitting next to your elf saying that if they are naughty again then they will be staying on the naughty list and Santa will not bring their presents (yes I know its bribery but it works) My friends son got a last chance letter in October after making Mummy very angry, starting early I know but now all show has to do is Wave that note and he’s an angel! That’s a mummy win.
• No elf just a note – Same theory as a placard only without the effort of making a placard!

Hopefully I have given you some Elfie inspiration to make December run a little more smoothly. I would like to tell you now that I am not actually as organised as having this list seems. I will have the list, I will forget to but the marshmallows or build the Lego house and will wake up in a panic at 3am cursing that god damn elf’s existence. So don’t worry we can all be elf cursing grumpy people together.

Until next time,

Stay safe my loves ❤️

Namaste 🙏

Li

Hello Lovely people,

Today I am thinking about a very important thing that often keeps you sane on the rollercoaster of motherhood. Friendship! Once your sweet bundle of funny smells and loud noises enters the world your purpose for existence changes, as do the relationships you keep, some friends fade away when you’re no longer free to go to the pub on a Friday night and you can end up feeling very alone, your social life becomes baby groups and weighing clinics and at these events you are inevitably known as *insert name of child here’s* mum. Please note I am in no way being negative towards any of these groups they saved my sanity more than once, without prenatal yoga I wouldn’t have one of my bff’s and without Basingstoke buggy walks I wouldn’t have the other, but they are a perfect example of the polar opposite definitions of the Mummy Friend.

Category One – The MUMMY friend

These ladies are the mothers of your children’s friends (I am semi certain the apostrophes are in the wrong place there – my bad!), despite your child playing with theirs since preschool you know them purely as ‘Mark’s mum’ or ‘the twins’ mum’, you see them at birthday parties and playgrounds where you discuss the weather and the pointlessness of giving 5 year olds homework because they don’t do it the parents do! Some of these women you will gel with and they move into the category two but in the majority of cases you will spend a decade of your life swapping pleasantries with them whilst wracking your brains trying to remember wtf their name is! These women are important, they provide some light relief from the stresses of keeping small people alive, but their importance pales in comparison to…

Category Two – The mummy FRIEND

These woman are 70% of the reason you have survived motherhood thus far. You have laughed, cried and every thing in between together.

• When your spouse pisses you off they are there offering to lend you a rolled up carpet and the use of their car.
• You have no issue with telling them on the days you think your child is being a prick! They will probably share why theirs is also being a prick and you will debate which one is the most annoying.
• They know your menstrual cycle better than you do.
• There is no such thing as TMI with these women; sex, secretions, secret inappropriate celebrity fantasies, they have heard it all.
• Public place and your child is acting up but you’re not looking in the right direction? No worries they have two ‘aunties’ sat right there happy to tell them to get off the top of the climbing frame and put their pants back on!

But most importantly of all these women love you and your child, they accept everything about you and you know you can rely on them. So here is my soppy moment Jen, Beka, my two wonderful BFF’s thank you for being you and thank you for being there. I love you. ❤️

Namaste. 🙏

Li

I’m sure they are very nice person but whenever I talk to them all I can think is nope you are not my person!

My Bff Jen – on the MUMMY friend.

Welcome one and all in the the wonderful world of the Upson family – as narrated by me, Mum of the Upson Clan.

Back in 2017 as a mum to a not yet 1 year old, I began to Blog, entries were few and far between as I stumbled through the early stages of mother hood in 2018 I stopped purely because I was too busy and forgot about it.

Check of those early ramblings here.

Now as 2021 rapidly enters the down hill slope to Christmas, with more obscure thoughts about adulting than ever bombing around inside my brain I have decided that I want to start sharing some of those thoughts with the world again. So despite the fact that I am now one million times busier than I ever was in 2018, (see diagram below of all things currently filling my brain) I’m going to try and semi regularly update you all with my inner ramblings… this could all go horribly wrong!

I’m hoping by sharing my special brand of crazy other mama’s (and papa’s) out there will realise that it’s not just them, life with kids is not Instagram perfect!

You’re not the only one exhausted and wishing they sold IV caffeine in tescos.

You’re not the only one struggling with your mental health (please if you are confide in someone close or contact your GP there are people who can help don’t suffer in silence).

You’re not the only one whos kids have way more sweets and screen time than is healthy.

You’re not the only one who forgets pe kits, daily reading, spelling practice, bring a collage of your pets to school day or any if the other myriad of idiotic homework tasks that the curriculum believes necessary for childhood development.

And most importantly…

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

From my heart to yours

Namaste 🙏

When you become a mother you hear it all. Everyone you know and a lot of people you don’t will give you their opinion. One argument you will get dragged into time and again will occur the second you announce you’re expecting, you won’t of even outgrown your favourite jeans when someone will ask;

“So are you going to go back to work?”

No matter how you answer this question you will be told that you are wrong. You’re messing your child up, stunting their development, being selfish. I have heard them all. I have been lucky enough (or unlucky enough depending on your viewpoint) to experience both sides of the fence. I spent three wonderful years at home with my baby boy, before returning full time to the working world. If you asked me which I preferred doing I honestly couldn’t tell you. Being a stay at home mum was exhausting, emotionally taxing and incredibly rewarding, working is also exhausting, emotionally taxing and incredibly rewarding. So here I am sharing some of the most ridiculous, rude and at times actually hilarious things people have said to me!

“You can’t leave him he’s just a baby!”

This one annoys the hell out of me to this day. Less than a month after returning to work in November 2019, when my boy was 3 years and 3 months old I was chatting to a co-worker about how strange it was being back in the real world after being at home for so long, said co worker asked how old my son was and when I told her she came out with “You can’t leave him he’s just a baby! I didn’t go back to work ’til my youngest was 11!” In that moment I had no idea how to respond. I knew what I wanted to say but I may of lost my job. I wanted to say “Well actually Karen* its none of you F-word-ing business! I already feel insurmountable guilt for leaving my precious little boy with strangers every day to do what is right for our family so wind your god damn neck in! You have never met my child but just so you are aware nursery has been the making of him, he has gained so much self confidence in the last four weeks that I know this is the best for both of us and coming back to work was necessary for my mental well being so kindly shut up!” Of course being British and overly polite what I actually ended up was saying was “Oh it’s fine, he loves nursery!” God Damn my Britishness!

“You’re so lucky you can afford to stay at home all day…”

This one is a corker on the grounds that this one came from another SAHM who was also at home with her kids whilst her partner worked. She didn’t seem to even remotely get the irony of the factor she was saying this to me whilst in the the same breath stating how difficult and awful being a stay at home mum was for her!

“You’re so lucky you can afford to go back to work!”

This one came from the same SAHM as above… just makes me chuckle that both statements came from the same person! Not to mention that in both cases luck didn’t come into it, it was all thought out and planned, we aren’t handed anything in this world!

“But don’t you feel guilty”

Yes, yes I do! about everything I have ever done as a mother!** Next question?

“Don’t you feel like you aren’t contributing to your family?”

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Excuse me whilst I just stop hyperventilating from laughing so hard! Just because you aren’t paid to be a stay at home mum, never let anyone tell you you aren’t contributing. As a stay at Home mum I kept my home running, my family fed, fitted everything into the family calendar, remembered birthdays and booked doctors appointments. I was 100% contributing so Karen thanks for your concern but you’re an idiot! (also please note I still do all this as a working mum so now I do get paid to do it all be it in a round about way!)

So Stay at home mum or working mum let me just say to you now you are smashing this, your crown may be a bit wonky, you may not have the motivation to clean up the entire box of cheerios that just feel out of the cupboard or your work shirt may have a chocolate handprint on the boob! But you are doing what is right for your family, so next time some interfering busy body decides that you need to hear their input, remember, in the words of the immortal Ronnie Barker “Don’t let the bastards grind you down!”

Until next time,

The light in me bows to the light in you,

Namaste 🙏

Li

* in the name fairness all annoying or aggravating individuals who I cannot name for legal reasons shall all be referred to as Karen, if they are male they shall be referred to as Man-Karen!

** mummy guilt is a big and real thing but that’s a story for another post!